Changing Me

I have been unkind to myself. The result of which is poor health, a home in disarray and a life that most of the time feels like it controls me. Therein lies the problem. Life has gotten out of control…. Too much work, too much clutter, too much disorganization, too much food, too little fun, too little exercise, too much weight, too little health. This feeling of being out of control has been growing and growing. Now I feel as if I am drowning in it. It is time to take control, but how? What do I want my life to be like? Will I be happy after I reach that goal? Or will I still be searching? What am I even searching for? 

Time. Time to rest, to relax, to enjoy the things I love. The sun, nature, flowers, walks in the woods and on beaches. Fun. Smiles. Laughter. Music. Adventure. Travel. I have felt constricted, confined, pushed down and held back from the experiences I want to have in life, from who I truly am. I don’t want to be tied down any longer. I want to soar.

Soaring at 260 pounds is hard to do. The first thing I have to take care of is my health. I would want better for my patients. I am an RN. I am a hospice nurse. I love my work, but I hate my job. Giving of myself to care for others has been what I have done my entire life. I sacrificed my youth to happily and thankfully raise my 6 children and sometimes more. Giving. I have given everything to my husband of 26 years, and would do it again in a minute, because he gives everything to me. Giving is who I am, and it is what I do. I now give to my daughter and my son who are left at home, my husband and my patients. I give to my adult children and grandchildren when I can squeeze out a little time. But, I do not give to myself.  I save nothing for me.

My job is to go to my patients homes and care for them. Most of the time I drive several hours and day and spend 20 minutes to an hour with each patient. I then go home and chart each visit. I spend a lot of time sitting. In the car. On my computer. I don’t get enough exercise. Weight gain is a result. I have also sacrificed my health through high stress and no medical care as I have no health insurance. Not enough sleep, as I am on call to see patients through the night several times a month. It is not easy. Not to mention the emotional toll, to come to love my patients, and then do my best to help them pass away comfortably as God calls them home.

My career path and my life have led to a place where I want to help people live, rather than help them to die. I want to teach about being the best you can be, the healthiest you can be, and while I am helping you to change you I want to work on changing me. I want to start a journey toward better health. I want a quieter soul and more peace. I want to feel rested and restored. I want to remember how to enjoy this journey I am on, and I want you to join me in becoming a better me.

Welcome to Changing-Me! I hope to see you again soon.

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